July 5, 2013

Another thing that came to my mind yesterday, that again made me sad with the realization of it, was this…

Yesterday was my day “off” from work and Zimmerman case.  And during this time I tried to go to another a neighboring town to walk around, relax and just be.  But I was so hot and after an hour I wanted to get out of there and go home.

No desire to do anything there.  No desire to people watch — and just too hot and exhausted to do anything.  Weak.  Not feeling right.  (That was basically the feeling all of yesterday)

So anyway, I went home.

And then I went onto the computer and felt the desire to research some things about Zimmerman trial.

And then I felt shame come over me.

It was my mom — saying, “you’re obsessed!  you’re researching the case, why?  do something else.”

Now that could be looked at good — cause it is important to step away and do other things, but it was too hot and I had nothing to do.  Absolutely nothing.

No desire to sit in my apartment for more time.  But it was too hot to be outside.  Where else was I supposed to go?  I have no where to go…

So it made me think of this later in the day… that my mom used shame to control me or turn me off to myself and my desires.  I’m not going to say all the time.  But somehow later in the day, this feeling of being guilty for doing research on the case on my day “off” — tied into and reminded me of her shaming about me not desiring to socialize with people…

Not really caring about going places where other people were going…

Shame about liking hanging out with my dog…. etc

This came to mind, I think, because later in the day I decided to go see the fireworks in my town.

I went to check it out — and then again after 1 hour of being there I was bored, too many people, tired, maybe feeling weak and I wanted to go home…

And I felt this shame again.

How I’m weird / strange, etc.. that why wouldn’t I want to watch the fireworks?  But I just didn’t feel like being there.

So I went home.

So I’m not going to blame her for everything, but it was passing thoughts – on how things I enjoy/ed doing she would shame.

Being on my own…

Hanging out at home a lot of the time…

Enjoying my own company rather than going out and being social / with friends….

This made me sad, again.

So needless to say, lots of emotions yesterday swirling.