March 13, 2013

So related to that last post and the post before — after that session I had, I was able to write this:

(By the way, I was shaking and so nervous / fearful through the writing of it and then super scared what would happen afterwards)

This was in a response to their email saying they were happy we were talking again and let’s start fresh, being friends (or something to that effect).  And yes, this is about bringing in that famous author to speak to my group

Dear X.
I appreciate you making a gesture, but I’m sorry I don’t buy it.  This thing started because you were talking about me behind my back and gathering others to gossip with.  I don’t care what you do, but I’m sorry, I’m not going to start coordinating events with you.  I will be civil and professional, but I’m not looking to work with you.
For this event, you’ll have to be okay with stepping out of the loop and simply attending like everyone else.
XX agreed to work with me on the details and that’s working out just fine.
Everything is already planned.
What you can help with, on your own… I don’t need to be informed of this… as you don’t need to be informed of what we’re doing to plan.. is that you can start promoting the event.  Put the event copy on the site.  Tell people to book the date and start getting the word out.
Choose a date with XX .  We’ll do from 7-8PM – put in some language to ensure people are THERE by 7pm, as we have this space booked and need to start on time.
Of course include Hugh’s bio and website link on the event copy and encourage people to purchase his book so he can sign it for them.
It’s going to be a Q&A format and I’m going to moderate it.  I’m going to start off asking him some questions that everyone will want to know, so we’re all on the same page and it saves time, then for the second half of the event we’ll open the floor and have members ask questions – whatever they’d like.  I would encourage people to have their questions ready as well.  We are on a limit of 1 hour with him and I think it’s important to respect his time.
Everything else is taken care of.
Thanks for checking on the location at your place- and I’ll see you at the event.
The email was super forward and powerful.  I felt bitch and angry in writing it — but I delivered it.
And after several hours of nervous anticipation on my end, teeter tottering between “I’m powerful — I’m going for my dreams and get out of my way”  to “I’m scared, I may have totally sabotaged myself and my involvement with this event” back to “I’ve got this!”  they said this.
Ok, Blaire. It’s all yours. I will stay out of it, completely.
So WOW.  I’m not sure if you can feel the emotion with all of this, but this was a big moment for me.
I was fine for the rest of the night — well, actually again, moments of nervousness as the leader of the group didn’t write back and I had paranoid thoughts that they were emailing between themselves talking about how they were going to kick me out… again… mixed with thoughts of… be positive, you did this,,,, it’s your event… keep going!!  Again, scared shitless….
But I woke up and said, I’m not waiting for the leader to email me back… I’m going to keep going.
Not waiting for the leaders judgment day, for him to say I’m right or wrong.. I’m going to keep going.
And I did.  I replied to one of his email messages giving an update of things that I was doing and what he still needed to do for the event.
And I kept moving forward.
He emailed me back a bit later saying that he’d get to it in an hour or two, which comforted me because it was outside confirmation and my mind was still having fears… but it’s all good.
To justify all this, in my mind I was saying I don’t even care about this event anymore —
But then I went back to — No, you want to do this, you’re doing this, this is YOUR event.  Keep going.
So again, who would have thought you have to “fight” through people to make your dreams happen?
I see it as another form of bullying.
Hey, if you were dealing with a bully or many in your childhood, I’m starting to think that this is what you’re going to have to go through in order to make your dreams come through.
What’s that come down to?
Wow.  Interesting.  I’m staying extra close to Spirit these days.  My Spirit posse.