May 28, 2013

I feel sad.  Sadness coming up.  Part of me loves the solitude.  Loves how quiet the roads are, no cars, no one’s around.  It’s memorial day weekend and everyone is gone.

But the other part of me feels like this is torture.  The feeling of in-between.  Nothing to do.  I ask Spirit what am I to do and they say just be.

I feel like crying.  I might.

I think of Facebook.  It’s this rat race feeling trying to keep up.  Posting and commenting, who gives a fuck.  It’s all fake, an illusion.  These people aren’t real.  Would I even hang out with most of them in person?  I’m longing for attention, for “likes” “comments from people I’d probably not even talk to / hang out with in person.  This is nothing new.  It’s like a dating site for friends.  But online dating never went well.  Why the fuck am I even on Facebook?  It’s a default, an addiction.  I question all the time if I even like it.  Fuck it.  I think I’d hire someone to post updates for me when I’m rich and famous.  I admire Guy Finley he totally deleted his profile.  Done.  Gone.  Sandra Ingermann hardly posts either.  What does it even matter?  It’s like I feel I have to keep up in a place I don’t even care about.

I feel so sad.  Tempted to eat a chocolate brownie, icecream, watch a movie.  I see how I reach for these things for comfort.  My addictions.

I feel like why am I doing this to myself?  Making myself suffer.  Spirit says just stay out in nature.  I don’t even know what to do out there.

It’d be cool if I ran retreats like this (what a random thought 🙂  lol but I’ve had it before)  After I was just complaining about it… here’s this thought.

A detox of the brain.  There’s this part of me that really likes sitting in this silence, connecting with my self and Spirit.

I can teach more in depth with clearing out these demons people have.  Look what’s been coming up for me…

To hear your true self.

I’m going to cancel my beach talks.  Screw that.  Focus my energy on other things.  Bigger things.

I keep going back to these small things.  Things I’m unhappy with (the turnout) because the stepping out into what I really want is a bit fear ridden… I see this pattern now.

I’m also wondering at this point if I should allow people to sign up for Blairesland.  Maybe I should keep that private?  I see how by not having people sign up lately Spirit has been keeping it private for me.  Maybe it’s better this way.  I share such tender thoughts on here.

Maybe I make this all into a book, edit it, etc – – and release it that way?  After I’ve transitioned into stardom.  Haha. It’s like a biography then.  People want to know how a person did it.  I know I’m always curious about that.  But usually you get the hind’s eye view and I always want more details. Well, here are those more details.  You see… same deal that I always thought about people’s happily ever after love stories.  Always thought there was much more to the story then, I met him, we got along and the rest is history.  No way.