June 7, 2013

I got rid of my last two pieces of furniture that I painted on from my ex.  Well, actually I have one more — and technically all the furniture I have in here is from my ex…. but I needed to keep a dresser, which I painted and I have a TV media set piece of furniture, which I really like and have shells on.

Oh and there’s our bed.  But that’s just a mattress and box spring, but still… it’s where we slept.  But I’m not doing any adjustments to any of those things since I need them while I live here but wouldn’t move with them…. unless I stayed in the state.


Two more items out my door.  Yesterday and today.

My neighbor took one of the storage dressers that was painted in bright colors and I brought the nightstand down to the garbage today and one of the painters who is painting my building took the other.

Now yesterday I went to my neighbors to have the guy who is usually there open a jar for me.  As soon as the door opened there were two new people I haven’t seen in there and they were talking about my neighbor, how she has a problem and collects too much stuff, how there was no room to walk in the apartment.

(There was no room) 🙂

But there was my piece of furniture.

She also has the other storage dresser thing that matches the one she took yesterday — plus this mermaid storage thing that my ex made for my crystals/alter/meditation, and she has a planter stand that I we made.

She’s moving to what I think is a bigger place, so the items come in handy.  Plus they are nice, nothing wrong with them.

But I couldn’t help but look at her in a “less than” light.

I know that doesn’t sound right and you may be judging me, but I’m sharing how I see things.

What I think.

(And that’s what you’re allowed to do on this site too, right?  Remember?  I don’t even know why I write these disclaimers anymore — I feel bad about it… the judging)

But there is no shame.  That’s how I see it.  That’s how it feels.

And then there was the lady who came over to the dumpster who wanted my nightstand and other stuff I left there.

Another feeling of less than.

That they are poor.  That I am helping them out.

That I am more prosperous than them, and they are taking my stuff — that I’m helping them out.

So this ties into when you give your services for free.

That you think you are helping people out by doing services for free.

When really I think it causes a divide in your mind, that you are higher up than another, that you are better — and that you are giving charity to another.

Now of course there is a thing as helping someone out… and again I think we think that’s the nice thing to do… and yes, maybe we all need that at least once in our life.

But it shifts the way you see a person.  Weak, disempowered, not aware of their power, needing help.  And then it’s like you are g-d, helping them.

Whereas, when someone pays for something it levels the playing ground.  They are contributing something.  They are in an empowered place giving  you something in exchange for what you are giving them.

I think there is more here, but it’s a feeling I am having — a deeper understanding of the dynamic.

I know this may sound strange since I have gone through many stages in my own poverty thinking, but I’m grateful that my parents are out of my life, same with my ex, so that I am able to provide for myself.  I am able to figure it out…

Because all these years when my mom would hand me money or pay for things, I thought it was no big deal… I thought it was nice….

But I always did feel that she pitied me.  I always thought that she saw me as someone who didn’t know what they were doing… and I felt that same energy whenever she would give away stuff to other people.  That better than feeling.

When really she was enabling me.  Not teaching me to use my power.  She was keeping me out of my power.  Of course I don’t think she was doing this to be evil or keep me weak and of course this was not a conscious thing.. I don’t think so.

But by doing this, she helped me find my power.

I feel much better about myself these days, since I am relying on my instincts and the guidance I get from G-d.  I am finding money.  I cashed out of my IRA today.  The checks will come next week.

And I applied to some casting and writing jobs — both very easy things for me, using my natural talents.  I see myself working at one or maybe more of them.

Good money coming in from different places.

And that’s how I found my power around money.  That’s how I started providing for myself.  That’s how I got on my feet…. when I stopped speaking to my parents.

Interesting, right?  Unexpected, totally.  Magical?  Of course.