December 31, 2012
As I’ve shared, so many new awarenesses come each day. I can find myself on the computer for most of the day writing these insights, and I love it, but it also amazes me on how much info I have to share!
So this realization was from Saturday when I was visiting my parent’s place and they had some of their friends over – my mom was playing cards with her friends.
So this is an occasion that would happen enough times. My mom or parents would have their friends over. I would always be included, as in… if I wanted to come over and get some food (they know I love eating and would always invite me over for the leftovers or invite me over to say hi, hang out, etc). And many times I would – or actually – ALL times – I would bitch and moan how I didn’t like their friends and how I didn’t want to be bothered and on and on….
So on Saturday when my mom said I could come over to hang out a bit and come over to eat lunch she also said, I don’t know if you want to come cause you usually complain and don’t like it.
And this made me think. It made me realize.
All these years, it’s not like other people were not including me.
I was NOT including myself. THIS WAS SELF INFLICTED PAIN. SELF INFLICTED EXCLUSION.
Let me explain more…
My parents friends have always been very nice. Very nice. I was always the one who didn’t want to talk to them… who had an attitude… who didn’t want to be bothered.
Now grant it, this is teenage stuff – to not want to be bothered – to not like your parents friends – to be “too cool” —
But somehow this attitude stayed with me. I never re-adjusted it or re-evaluated it. And it’s something that continued until…. yesterday.
And this has been my pattern for many years, since I was young.
When I moved to a new school when I was in the 4th grade. I WAS THE ONE WHO DIDN”T MAKE AN EFFORT TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH “THE POPULAR GIRLS”
They invited me to their birthday parties. I didn’t feel like kissing their asses. I felt weird. I thought they were snobby (it was a new town). I didn’t feel like bothering.
I made friends with the people who were left out. It was easy to make friends with them. No effort. I didn’t feel I had to try. They were there. It was easy.
Then in high school. New school with more kids, now from another town joining my town. Again, the popular girls tried to make friends with me. I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t want to bother. Too much effort. I was busy with other things (who knows what though?) Spending effort on friendships was never a top priority to me like it was to other people. I just didn’t care.
Same deal with college. Although I think I did make more of an effort with people here and actually in college I had A LOT of friends and was very much liked and “POPULAR” … which already is sounding silly to use this word, but let’s get real, we all think these things still…
But I graduated and same pattern.. I couldn’t be bothered with keeping in touch with people. Too much effort, I was busy and interested in other things.
You see the pattern here as well… not much emphasis placed on friendships. I see how I never really cared for these relationships through my years. Interested in other things… my interests/hobbies/boys/career… I guess.
I was like this since a kid. Interested in my own world. Again, like I am now… I see how I am never really busy, cause I like it this way. I like being in my own world, studying things that interest me – and I have a lot of interests. I have a love of learning, so I see how this takes precedence over spending time on friendships.
So anyway… I can track one incident after the next.
People would invite me places, want to hang out, be attracted to my energy, and I couldn’t be bothered.
I dis-included myself.
This is what happened in graduate school (remember my post ages ago, that’s what it feels like) about my experience in grad school? Well, I was the one who didn’t include myself. I guess I never realized that making friendships took so much energy. Or maybe I DID realize it and I never wanted to spend time on it.
Same deal with my parent’s friends. Not like I have to be friends with my parents friends… but same deal.
See the pattern?
This also happened with two spiritual / healing groups… actually 3! I was in. There were groups of likeminded people. People would “make the effort” online or in person and again, I couldn’t be bothered with the phone calls or emails or whatever.
Even now, people want to be “facebook friends” and I can’t be bothered.
I don’t like all the emailing, spending more time on the computer, for someone who I feel I’ll never meet… it’s not worth my energy.
This is the same deal – my attitude – towards making friends now, or rather the attitude I’ve had for years with friends – I don’t want to spend time talking on the phone. I view it as a waste of time. It’s not productive. (that’s the Capricorn side to me, always wanting to be productive) 🙂
So no surprise there as to why I don’t have friends now.
I always can’t be bothered.
But here’s the deal… 1 – Now that I realize this, I can now consciously create friendships that are different. Based in the real world, not Facebook.. and ones where we hang out / meet up and do things that I would want and enjoy, rather than spending time gossipying on the phone.. or with girlfriends that are maybe needy or have relationship issues, so then I don’t feel that I’m working again…
2 – Now that I realize that I have been dis-including myself, this is a time to start including myself when I want to create relationships. You know, spend the time and energy.
and 3 – This is very healing… because it’s not like I’m some kind of loser with online videos or my blogs or my email newsletter or people who follow me, it’s just a realization that I have NOT cultivated these relationships… cause I never wanted to… or never wanted to be bothered… or didn’t know how to… or didn’t really realize that cultivating these business relationships maybe spends energy… an energy investment, just like friendships in the real world do… and this is the missing link.
It’s not like people were rejecting me, which is always what I felt both personally and professionally (once Facebook and social media came into play for me 3 years ago) but it was I WHO WAS REJECTING THEM… simply by not having awareness. Simply by my own wounding and own mis-perspections.
This is incredible. And powerful.
No one – EVER – disincluded (unincluded?) me — I was the one who disincluded (unincluded) MYSELF!
It was never important to me. I didn’t want to spend the energy. I was more interested in my internal world, then the external world. I was more interested in my hobbies – in learning – than in spending time cultivating relationships.
Wow, I’ve got it.
This is also helpful in moving forward with my Violence Detox Movement. Makes sense to me now the results I’ve gotten in my business with people replying or not replying to videos, blogs, posts. Very interesting.