March 18, 2013

I’m sitting here high strung, nervous, — SCARED about what I have to do.

I’ve never been so afraid.  Well, I was sort of a few days ago when i sent that email to a person in my writer’s group that I shared with you — for them to back off.

But now I am here again.  PETRIFIED.

I’m praying for any – all – of my Spirit friends to remove my fear.

I have been thinking about this for days.  Last night I kept waking up at night concerned about what I’d write, and what’s they’d do.

I’ve played around with different versions of the email I will send.

I don’t to do this author event with my writing group again.  I no longer am interested in being a part of them, never felt like I really was — I don’t even like the people in my writing group — I think they are mostly weird, and so weak.

They all are afraid of what one another will say, whenever one of them does anything.

Like for example, I was meeting with one lady and she was worried what other members of the group would think when they saw her with me — she was afraid she was meeting with people outside of the group, going outside of their rules.  WTF?  Are you serious?  You can do whatever you want.

Another one was afraid cause she didn’t want anyone to feel bad.  Seeing a group of us meeting before a group one day, she was worried someone would see us and feel bad they weren’t included.

Seriously?  What the fuck?

So I was hanging out with these people.  The fucking scaredy cats.  And I hate them.

Have some balls, stand up for yourself.  Stand up for what you want.

And the joke of it is, here I am worried.  Yes, a bit about what they’ll say, when I tell them I’m not doing this anymore.

I’m trying to craft the letter so they don’t email this author.  There’s fear there of what if they contact him and tell him something bad about me.  This has to do with soul wounds and past life karma – fear of betrayal.  And I’m at the core root of it.

This is the point where my whole life turns around.

Making myself important.  Man, I always thought I was doing this — but here as much as I was speaking up, I was doing things out of fear.

I continued trying to plan this event — or actually, spending all my time and energy doing it for them — only to be voted down by things and all four people have to have a meeting about every little “and” and “the” and minuet little details that doesn’t matter at all about what’s in the event detail.

It’s maddening and I can’t fucking deal with it anymore.  I don’t to and I don’t have to.

Now for some reason this feels to me like I am back-stabbing.

That I am doing some thing behind someone’s back.

That’s how it feels to me.

But really what it is — if I get my mind straight and take a deep breathe and calm myself down — it was ME contacting this author — MY idea to bring him in to talk — ME organizing everything — AND THEM NOT MOVING ON IT.

So basically I am telling them, I made other plans with this guy.  That unfortunately bringing him into writers group is not working.

I have fears of them having the event without me.  Mad cause I did all the work.  Concerned about what possible email they might write to this guy, trying to take me down.  Fear that this author may choose them over me.  Cancel me and go to their group meeting.  Fear of being kicked out of the group, which I’m pretty sure will happen and I don’t even think I want to be a part of them, I get no more benefit anyway.

They all drive me crazy.

And I need to pray — pray — pray — and then just TAKE THE LEAP.

I want to do it today.  I feel I need to do it today.  Oh g-d, please let this be the right way.

It sure is something different for me.  In the past I would have gone along, exhausted myself more — and then been pissed when it still didn’t happen or didn’t run the way I wanted it to.

Ahh…. remember to breathe Blaire.  I have to breathe.  I’m noticing I’ve been holding my breathe.