April 17, 2013

The other thing that is going on here — what I noticed, is that yesterday and maybe the day before I’ve had down moments feeling not successful.  Feeling upset and annoyed that things are not happening sooner or that I want them really bad and frustration / wanting to connect with them, etc.

Which I will connect with those dreams.  I am going to do another meditation about them having to do with clearing past life fears and how the healer was helping me.  Review those notes again.

But i see the contrast.  Here others are looking at me, like those two emails I got, saying “that was great — congrats on your success” and things related.

And I’m poo-pooing them.

Well, the reason why is because I have in my mind what I so badly am aiming for next.

So I guess what I need to do is.. I don’t know, appreciate more as to where I am.

Although that feels so old.  I went through that phase.  Appreciating and simply BEING where I am — now it’s about that movement / struggle / pulling myself out of where I am to connect with where I want to be.  Where I know I should be.  What I FEEL is right there.

I actually don’t know what the answer is here.  I’ll just let it be.

On another note, more rejection notes from agents.  Interesting how this went from a good sign to me, to one that annoys me.  Not sure what that means…

And also, on another, another note, that video I made yesterday about the Boston Marathon, I don’t know how I feel about it anymore.  I know it was great what I shared – – great delivery, etc.  But I can’t help but feel – was it insensitive?  I don’t know.  Everyone is so involved with the drama of the chaos going on in the world and I am so removed from it.  Totally not in my awareness.  I don’t know if this has to do with me having different awareness / perspective having to do with spiritual awakening… or if it has to do with I don’t have it blaring on the TV… newspapers or co-workers upset about it.

Not sure.  That’s another point of confusion.

Hmm… so I see how I’m in confusion with a bunch of things these days.

I question if I’ll even work today.  Not sure if I even feel like it again.  Not sure what to do…