July 6, 2013

I started researching online about race, Zimmerman trial, and all things related — just wherever I was lead through YouTube and google this morning.  Maybe 7/8AM and it’s not almost 9PM.  Wow.

You would think I’m getting somewhere, but I feel more confused and uncertain about what to speak about than ever and feel like now I won’t even bother.  That of course could be my ego speaking…

What did I find?

Well, some conclusions.

1 – I’ve noticed I’m now suspicious and cautious around black people in my neighborhood.  This may sound racist — well, look what happened as part of my experience in this trial.  This is my deal now.  Why?  Well, my eyes have been opened, maybe before I was walking around naive, maybe it’s due to where I grew up being so diverse that there isn’t an issue… I have no idea.  I’ve probably spent close to 10 years hanging out with black people.  I grew up listening to hip hop and hanging out in clubs and the rollerskaing rink (lol) with mostly all black crowds.  I was always in the minority.

I’ve been friends and friendly with black people.  Sometimes they looked at me weird when I was in more predominately black places, but I managed.  With all that said, It never even crossed my mind that some or maybe many of those people hated me.  Hated the white man.

But that’s what I believe now through this Zimmerman trial.  Through Facebook comments, through YouTube comments, through the Twitter feed.  It’s disgusting.

Which leads me to my second point/conclusion…

2 – It’s frustrated me on the double standard that we have in our society.  Somehow many/some/most (who the fuck knows?) black people believe that they can hate on white people and it’s fine but if someone says anything towards them, even if it makes logical sense (as in not a racist comment) they pull the racist card and shut people down.  They come off as loud, forceful, bully-like.

Of course this will sound politically incorrect and I’m sure it is politically incorrect and whoever reading this, again, if they are black (yes, assumption, but again its’ what I’ve seen through YouTube and Twitter nonstop this past 1 1/2 weeks) is that they will call me racist.

3 – There’s this oversensitivity by blacks about racism.  It’s like no one can think logically, speak logically about the issue.  I saw a video of Zimmerman’s attorney go on Al Sharpton’s tv show and Al wasn’t even listening to a thing he said.  He just didn’t want to logically think about it.  So closed minded, it just angered and upset me.  I’ll post a link….

4 – Then I watched some videos from the Black Panthers which yes is an extremist group, but it’s scary and disgusting. Bullying in its finest.

They offer a bounty on George Zimmerman’s head.  And say they don’t follow “white man’s law” – WHAT THE FUCK?

No logical thinking, just passing along, modeling for people fear and hate

5 – I feel like I should stick to my people… which is White people.  Again, be more cautious of black people.  The hate towards me / my people is just so off-putting, I don’t even want to be around it.  Makes me hate black people when I’ve NEVER had a hate thought towards them before.  This is totally crazy to me, but seeing this consistent illogical thinking surrounding this case makes me go crazy.  The State has no case and both sides have made comments related to this on Twitter feed, yet they still scream and yell – justice for trayvon

6 – I see how wounded black people are — how many are still in this old paradigm, sensationalizing Martin Luther King time and fighting for a cause.  It’s like they want to keep this victim mentality because the thrill of rising above the white man, being part of a cause feels so appealing to them.

it’s like desperation to be part of history, to fight for something, to feel important.

And everyone wants this for their life.  To feel important, for their life to have meaning… (contin..)

7 – And the way they can do it is to heal themselves from this victim mentality.

Slavery hasn’t been for 100 years.  And steps in equality happened with Martin Luther 50 years ago.

It’s time to get over this.  Leave it behind.  Step into your power.  And how do you do this? Realize you’re not a victim anymore.

Well… how can you say that?  You’re not black.  You’re a white girl.  Shut the fuck up.

that’s what they’d all tell me.

People dont’ want to hear about empowerment.

I posted some thoughts on FB yesterday and this asian guy (not sure his racial breakdown) wrote to me in anger.

8 – But we as white people have to stop seeing black people as victims.

We have to stop feeling guilty or letting them pull the “racist” card on us… stop living in fear of them  coming after us.  They’re loud and this is scary to white people.  Again, generalizations, but white people are usually quiet and more reserved — as a people, blacks are usually louder and more aggressive.

How the fuck am I to say any statement like that?  Filled with stereotypes and generalizations and people will be shouting “you’re a racist”

and then I’m in this whole stir with all these fucking assholes and all these issues that I didn’t even give a shit about.

That I didn’t care to speak up about — until YOU brought it into my awareness and until I got pissed off about it.

9 – If I speak to my white people, white people will yell at me for being racist… because whites are so sensitive to this, don’t want to offend.

If I speak to white people, black people will watch the videos too and yell at me, call me racist.

What’s the fucking point?

What do you want me to do?

I really feel like I don’t want to speak about this.  You’re setting me up to be yelled at and I don’t want that.

Why wake up a people — both my white and black people — if they are cranky as hell when you attempt to wake them up?

I really don’t know about any of this.

Through Twitter, I notice how “stars” don’t bother replying to people.  I’ve gotten messages from Spirit to simplify my life and what has come to my mind is not to reply either… it’s a waste of time and energy.  Plus I think most of the people — or some — or whatever, I’m constantly rephrasing my shit these days — most/some/not all — all this “not to generalize” bullshit.  I can’t live like that.  It’s nuts.

You can’t NOT offend someone.

And even if you try to — or rather even if I – try to make qualifications or to not sound so “racist”, which I’m totally not — I still get called it.  Or in a nasty conversation with someone.  I fucking hate them all.

Yea, that’s great.  How am I to help if I am judging people?  If I hate these fuckers?  (and yes, I’m talking about black and white.. so again, there’s another qualifier – fucking ridiculous)

10 – And then also, I’ve noticed there’s quite a nice amount of people talking about race… but they seem to have a supportive group.  I seem to have hate posts on my YouTube videos.


11 – I also do realize that most people who are watching Zimmerman trial who are black are unemployed, students, or some sort of part time worker who happens to be home, or someone who works weird hours.  So again, the thought is don’t judge all blacks… these maybe who are watching are the ones who aren’t as educated.

12 – Oh and yea… I got in a fight with this kid on twitter yesterday, got me so aggravated, trying to explain to him how yes, cracka is a racial slur.

Not okay to use.

He refused to look it up.  To do any research — and because TV told him it was okay to use, it’s okay.

There’s just such illogical thinking.

And then the next comment I’ve seen is that it’s okay for them call us crackas but not us niggas.  You can’t do that.  It’s not like blacks can have the end all be all powerful card or use of word to hold control and power over us.  Over everyone.

But then again… walk in our shoes.. walk in our shoes.

This whole thing makes me really pissed.  I’m fucking sick of it.

And yes I hate saying that cause I don’t like talking like that for the health repercussions.

What’s the point of this Spirit?  Please let me know?

I see there are plenty of people talking about this.

I’m afraid what will come out of my mouth and I am growing in hate towards a certain people who I never hated before.  Please help me.