June 2, 2013

I am once and for all putting closer to negative thoughts I think about myself sometimes.

Internally calling myself a loser….

It’s done.

I’ve been thinking about this a few times over the last couple of days and I’m not a loser.  And I never was, so it’s weird that this is the persona I’ve adopted somewhere along the way.

In school, elementary, middle, and high school I think I was a pretty average person.

I was friends with everyone.  And yes, I would tend to go towards the “loser” types… if that’s what you call them but they weren’t weird or dorky, it was really just more towards people who were shy and didn’t feel like they fit in.

I always went towards the underdog, to sit by them and talk to them.

You could say I’ve been helping people heal since I was young.  Cause that’s what I did.

I remember very distinctly this memory of when I was in elementary.  I had moved to this new town when I was going into the 4th grade.  I was very popular in my old school (that seems to silly to say..) — but when I moved to the new school, the girls were different, snobby and of course everything was different — because it was a new town.  New rules.

Anyway, I was invited to the “popular” girls birthday parties — but over time I just navigated more towards this girl who wasn’t popular.  She was poor (it was a wealthy town) and she was the outcast.

I remember during recess going to sit next to her to see if she was okay and to give her someone to talk to – me.

Again, you could say I’ve been trying to make people feel better — feel like they belong since I was young.

And that’s the main point.


So when you take on a role like that – and the people you are looking at are awkward, shy, dorky or whatever then I think you end up taking that as a mirror.

And then rather than seeing yourself as a person who is compassionate and sensitive and there for others — helping others… you start seeing yourself as the person you are looking at, who is an outcast, etc.

So somehow along the way — all these years that’s how I classified myself.  But again, looking back at it now — my now or “new” perspective — and I’ve had this thought plenty of times… but again I feel the need to now put final closure to this…. I was the compassionate one, the helper, I wasn’t the “loser”

And maybe this post sounds bad…. maybe this whole blog sounds bad.  I’m sure it does at times, I’m not at my proudest, but I continue it because that’s what we talk about here, deep dark thoughts and emotions.  Nothing is taboo.  We share to heal.

So that’s what I’m doing.

In college I was the cool girl.  And that’s who I am in general.  I naturally attract people to me.

My photographer was saying this to me at the expo a few weeks ago.

People want to come over and talk to me.  I’m usually the one who’s like “get away!”  haha.  that’s terrible.  But all in good fun….

But people naturally like me.

They love listening to what I have to say.

I make them think of new things.

Inspire them.

People trust me and look up to me.

Again, they like what I have to say.

So why the fuck have I in recent years been thinking (again) that I’m a loser?

I will tell you why…

It’s because I went into somewhat isolation.  I havent’ been in the mood to socialize or make friends, because I was healing — from my ex and family patterns and who knows what.

And now I’m coming out of that and I see, again, how people really like me and want to be around me.

So I’m letting those loser thoughts go.

Our society tends to label people who aren’t going out to bars all the time, those who are not socializing and those who aren’t with people all the time… as losers.

But that’s not the truth at all.

I’m going to add this to my list of things that I am putting together to create this TV show.

I want to show this to the world.

I’ve really warmed up to the reality tv show these days.  Being open to showing others my life so that those who also enjoy being with themselves stop feeling like they are a loser too — because they are not socializing all the time.

It’s so not true.

And actually I love that I’m this way.

This is the energy I need to stay in — and think I will stay in… but again it’s old programming, comments from my mom that get in the way sometimes… that voice making fun of me for not wanting to hang out with others or be with my friends all the time..

Well just because that’s what she does… doesn’t like being with herself, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me because I like being with my dog, nature and myself.  It’s actually quite the opposite.

This, in my eyes, is the healthier way to be.

Actually, maybe in the middle.  More towards where I’m moving towards now… but that’s only because I have done my healing and I have that energy to put towards relationships now.  Healthy relationships.  Amen.

Okay, so closing this out.  Thank you for the blessings.  I will now use them to teach and help heal others.  Thank you!!