June 22, 2013

It seems as though this whole week I’ve noticed how I have been tightly clenching my teeth when I’m sleeping.  This concerns me.  Tension.

Now I do go into a meditative state and I walk in nature — so both of those are relaxing things, but clearly there are things about this move that I’m keeping quiet about.


One of them came up yesterday — a fear – and that has to do with when I get tired or overtired, my immune system gets weak and I start to have a running nose and I get anxiety if I’m not relaxing, at home, in familiar territory.

Last night I was reminded of a trip I took with my ex to Tampa and it was a stressful weekend (because of things with us) plus tiring, lots of spiritual growth (we were at a workshop), plus dramatic dreams, plus not getting enough sleep, plus overwhelmed by all the energy I was being exposed to — being in a crowd and picking up on everyone’s emotions. — Not Good.

So by Sunday I was tired, feeling under the weather, and was having anxiety about my throat.  Which is what I get, anxiety that it will swell, that I need to go to the hospital, etc.

This is something I’ve had for many years and have worked with a naturopath on and have gotten to a really good place NOW with, but those thoughts started to resurface yesterday about the thought:  “What if I’m tired from driving and just can’t keep doing it?”

I’d have to hang out in the hotel and just relax.  I can’t make (wouldn’t want to anyway) myself drive.  That would just increase the anxiety I have.

So again the feeling that this is a personal pursuit, a showing of courage and strength that I’m able to make this trip on my own, but obviously there’s been a lot of fears come up with it.

I’m going to make a list of all my fears I have about this trip.  I need to start working through some of this more consciously because I want to be able to sleep in peace and it makes me VERY uncomfortable the thought and the knowing that I am clenching my teeth when I’m sleeping.  That’s NOT good.