February 17, 2013
I was going to write this post a week ago, but then there was tech stuff going on with this site, so I didn’t write it… and then the feeling passed, and now it is here again 🙂
So I used to define myself as being in the “left out” group. The ones who don’t belong. Not in the popular group.
This never felt like the group that was right for me, yet it was the one I most identified with – I guess cause it was just easier to hang out with those people, then to make an effort with others, when I really didn’t care for them or to make the effort anyway.
Then I went to college – and I was a popular girl. Very social and really liked by many. I had all different types of friends and groups that I hung out with and many men wanted to date me and many people wanted to hang out with me. I felt in my power then. I was. I was ME.
But then somehow after some years out of college, I lost that.
Here’s where the blame comes into play… well I blame it on relationships.
In several relationships, my hottness was something that guys wanted me for. I knew this was an operating factor and I was okay with this. I used it to my advantage.
BUT THEN I got turned off by these guys, sickened by them, and I toned down my sexuality. I hide myself away. Stopped wearing sexy and tight things and that was it.
This was also encouraged by a guy. We hung around looking like slobs together.
And then I was in hermit phase, doing growth and healing and not caring what I wore either and somehow I forgot who I was.
Interesting that as I was finding who I was I also forgot who I was and was still leaving behind my sexual self.
This went on for years, until recently.
Even when I was with my ex, the sexy side of myself wasn’t encouraged… and when I dressed sexy, he didn’t really compliment, and then when I was flirty, in general, he would be jealous, when I wasn’t even doing anything – simply by how guys were reacting to me… ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE. Crazy.
But here I am now. Reclaimed that sexual side to myself. In my power. Dressing sexy and sensual again. And I feel in this cool crowd now. A group I make. Just like I felt like when I was in college. In my power. Sexy, in power. A leader, someone to be admired.
So this is the group I am in now. The group and the person I was proud to be in college, minus the sexuality being used by men.. which I never felt taken advantage of, but I always did feel I used it to control — now I use my sexuality to be me, not control, not to get something… just to express me.
It feels good.
I guess now the concern is just, will I continue to dress up? Continue to show my sensual self? Cause again there’s a big side to me that still likes being comfy and also has “nothing” to dress for most of the time.
Which leads me to my next post, I will write about it later.