February 17, 2013

I was going to write this post a week ago, but then there was tech stuff going on with this site, so I didn’t write it… and then the feeling passed, and now it is here again ūüôā

So I used to define myself as being in the “left out” group. ¬†The ones who don’t belong. ¬†Not in the popular group.

This never felt like the group that was right for me, yet it was the one I most identified with – I guess ¬†cause it was just easier to hang out with those people, then to make an effort with others, when I really didn’t care for them or to make the effort anyway.

Then I went to college Рand I was a popular girl.  Very social and really liked by many.  I had all different types of friends and groups that I hung out with and many men wanted to date me and many people wanted to hang out with me.  I felt in my power then.  I was.  I was ME.

But then somehow after some years out of college, I lost that.

Here’s where the blame comes into play… well I blame it on relationships.

In several relationships, my hottness was something that guys wanted me for.  I knew this was an operating factor and I was okay with this.  I used it to my advantage.

BUT THEN I got turned off by these guys, sickened by them, and I toned down my sexuality.  I hide myself away.  Stopped wearing sexy and tight things and that was it.

This was also encouraged by a guy.  We hung around looking like slobs together.

And then I was in hermit phase, doing growth and healing and not caring what I wore either and somehow I forgot who I was.

Interesting that as I was finding who I was I also forgot who I was and was still leaving behind my sexual self.

This went on for years, until recently.

Even when I was with my ex, the sexy side of myself wasn’t encouraged… and when I dressed sexy, he didn’t really compliment, and then when I was flirty, in general, he would be jealous, when I wasn’t even doing anything – simply by how guys were reacting to me… ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE. ¬†Crazy.

But here I am now.  Reclaimed that sexual side to myself.  In my power.  Dressing sexy and sensual again.  And I feel in this cool crowd now.  A group I make.  Just like I felt like when I was in college.  In my power.  Sexy, in power.  A leader, someone to be admired.

So this is the group I am in now. ¬†The group and the person I was proud to be in college, minus the sexuality being used by men.. which I never felt taken advantage of, but I always did feel I used it to control — now I use my sexuality to be me, not control, not to get something… just to express me.

It feels good.

I guess now the concern is just, will I continue to dress up? ¬†Continue to show my sensual self? ¬†Cause again there’s a big side to me that still likes being comfy and also has “nothing” to dress for most of the time.

Which leads me to my next post, I will write about it later.