July 7 2013
(From my journal)
Oh g0d, all I keep thinking about is this “white movement”
I’m trying to not judge it but each time it comes into my mind – or any concepts related, it’s like “Are you fucking crazy?”
It just feels like your looking for trouble with that shit — and to show my face — I think KKK always wear masks – this is why.
Why am I even putting myself in same category as them?
I’m evolved, sensitive, caring – not same category – this is fear.
I also know that my fear and this judgment is blocking me from moving forward.
Why is this topic so heated for me?
What’s the charge?
You could say its bullying – public bullying like the media did with Paula Deen – although that annoyed me, it didn’t have the heat that this does. So what’s up?
I could go down as a great leader in history – but I don’t think Spirit would put me out to the wolves like this – to be looked at as a black hater? That couldn’t be further from the truth – so what is it?
Maybe the fact I’ve always been drawn to, hung out, had an affinity towards Blacks and Black culture?
Let me trace back – growing up, always hung out with Black / Hispanic people. This was in high school, not my school cause there was none but I went to other towns.
Was interested in, flirted, hung out, dated – kids stuff – Black and spanish guys.
Listened to hip hop since around 12 years.
Always liked black people more than white people. Always felt more comfortable with them, people didn’t understand this, but it was always the way for me.
Rollerskating rink for hip hop music and almost all black crowd except for me.
It felt awkward at times but I loved the music. The vibe.
Then college – hanging out / hooking up w/V and that other guy (black) — hanging with basketball team, etc.
Clubs in college and after – all black lounges in NYC – Mon nights hip hop, I can’t remember that place’s name — one of the guys I knew back then, g-d it was sooo long ago, before I even lived in the city I think. So pre-2000. he follows me on FB. Somehow we re-connected on FB years and he/we found one another.
Same deal with my makeup artist that just stopped following me on FB. She wanted to reconnect with me. Again, this is YEARS later. 1999/2000
Let me think.. keep going.
In college I wanted to pledge a black sorority cause I thought I fit in more with them than whites. Whites have always been too reserved for me. Stiff. I’ve always felt more comfortable with black people. Being told straight up what’s the deal — like me – rather than whites who may think it but not tell you – I never liked that. Of course this is generalizing here, but speaking frankly and I hate how i keep writing and saying that… everything needs a disclaimer with this kind of talk. So fucked up.
So is this the reason for all of this now? But how is it helping me? Oh gosh, I so badly want to know – mentally – where this is going, so I know I’ll be safe, taken care of and loved. But I need to be okay with right now, surrendering. Being. Letting it happen.
I think I’ll also make appointment with Healer/Intuitive see what comes through / past life stuff — seek out recording to do past life regression, see what comes up.
The feeling is “how can I get rid of this?”
I know not the right thought but it just feels so uncomfortable right now.
Relax, breathe, surrender.
PS — Just reminded, Papa has been around me lately. He came to mind when I was watching Al Sharpon interview… he kind of looks like Pop. Memories of when I was younger, family used to joke with pop how he was black. maybe a one or two time reference… so outgoing, fun loving, great personality, just like a leo, great rhythm, flirty, loved to dance, life of the party, he used to play the drums.
PSS — now I’m guided to look around pool. 4 women — 2 white (russian maybe? they’re speaking in other language), 1 spanish girl (maybe?), 1 white (girl from my building I’ve never spoken to) and guess what… black man. And his energy I’m drawn to. he was funny, nice. I actually kind of know him. Spoke to him 1-2 times before when I saw him at pool / doing my laps. I think he’s Haitian. has an accent.
Maybe it’s just that I’m heartbroken about all of this? That people I feel so drawn to all the time / my friends, don’t like me? have turned? I’m definitely taking this too personally.
I don’t know.
PSSS – I walk into my apartment and am reminded of my other recent “friend” — the guy I met at basketball games Hooters. he’s black. Wonder if he still “follows” me on FB. I guess I just feel like it turned into a race thing and what it seems like is black people are like, we know our team. Team Black and fuck you whites. I don’t want to be around that. Don’t you look at people, as people?
This is what they’re blaming “whites” about — yet it’s what they’re doing.