April 14, 2013
I’m listening to one of my healing sessions (with my healer) and something dawned on me.
I have this fear of a student betraying me. It’s been coming up this week to my awareness, but of course it’s been there before.
And this makes sense as far as why I have kept myself small.
I’ve had betrayal fears in other areas that I wrote about here, it’s a past life wound that I remember that I’ve been healing.
So I realize that I have these passing thoughts about students betraying me.
That they get mad at me.
And then go and say bad things about me.
And guess what? That’s what my issue is right now. I have been helping students release their anger and fears — and I have this whole week been thinking about how I really don’t know if I want to do that.
How it’s super fulfilling but I feel I don’t want to be in that energy. I don’t want them to have projection and then get mad at me.
It’s unacceptable for them to take certain tones with me that they have
Or to expose me to certain strong emotions, like I have experienced as well.
I feel like I don’t want to deal with it.
Yes, some are targeted at me. Frustration or anger. But again, this is really about whatever they are unhappy with in their life – it has really NOTHING to do with me. It’s all a projection.
Other of those feelings have to do with emotions that come up for them and I help them release, but again I don’t feel like having that near me either.
And BAM! I’m re-listening to this audio and this is it. This is totally it.
This is where I have been stopping myself and ESPECIALLY THIS WEEK.
When I am so in a groove and so close to experiencing massive breakthrough when it comes to my career and money I’m making, how I’m showing up in the world, a life of luxury.
And this is it.
This is why I have been thinking… Ohh, I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.
It’s because I don’t want to be the one facilitating this change…. although I love it and find it deeply fulfilling — I also don’t want to be the one maybe triggering students (like what has happened with one of my current students) — and then there’s this fear that they are going to go off and do something nasty.
So the fear of betrayal from students has been stopping me.
So has the dislike of being around students with such strong emotions. I’m very sensitive and I feel I don’t want to be in that environment either. So that has been stopping me too.
I’m going to let this sink in. This is it. This is totally how I have stopped myself this week.
Interesting. Very interesting. FEAR, CONCERN, and QUESTIONING.
The ones who have been abused (emotionally, mentally, maybe even sexually) become the abusers. The worse it was the worse then the anger comes out.
I need to be firmer with my boundaries — that is not acceptable for them to take it out on me. I will not have a business like that and I will not be treated like that. It’s unacceptable, I am the one helping them heal. And the other thing is they don’t even realize they are doing this because it’s so common place in their life. And because of this I used to overlook it, but this is not allowed. No more.
By the way — two ducks were in our pool again. And it’s so cute, cause there’s two pools on the property – and they followed Magic and I – “magically appeared” in the other pool we walked past too. It was so cute – and totally made me laugh. I’m grateful to have them around.
EMOTIONAL COMFORT AND PROTECTION (which I really feel I need both right now, thank you so much)
Ducks are connected to feminine energies, the astral plane
and emotions through their connection with water.
Ducks remind us to drink deeply from the waters of life.
Find comfort in your element and with those of like mind and spirit.
Ducks teach you how to maneuver through the waters of life with grace and comfort. Psychologist and therapists often have Ducks as a totem,
assisting them to help others move through emotional tangles