January 18, 2013

Am I okay with no being liked?  This is a thought I am playing with tonight – just home from my writer’s group and realizing a few things….

1 – A group of people from writer’s group were hanging outside the coffee shop after our group tonight.  They have been doing this for a few months now and yes, it’s almost everyone who hangs out there.  Like I shared with you in the past, I usually go home after group – I don’t stick around to chit chat.  Tonight I stayed around a bit longer, which felt totally uncomfortable while one of my friends read my most recent piece of work to give me feedback.  I stood around the group’s table awkwardly and made some small talk with some members.  I didn’t like it.

The thought that came to me while I was standing there was this…

A leader must be liked to lead.  People don’t really seem to like me.  Maybe this is my problem.

2 – My friend finished reading my most recent writing and we chatted at a separate table and then out in the parking lot for over an hour.  We spoke about my writing and about his personal life.  We then started talking about the people at writer’s group.

I shared with him how I thought someone in my group got upset / offended by some feedback I gave her.  I was giving her suggestions on which I thought would make her book better.  She got into defensive mode and started rolling eyes with one of the other organizers of the group.

I brought this up to my friend.  Tonight we were separated into two groups so he didn’t come to my “critique rescue” which I notice he so often does.

I shared with him that I get that people in the group don’t like me but I think it’s really unprofessional to talk about it and make it so obvious.  I explained to him that I give my critiques to make their writing and book concept better – more marketable so that they can sell it and make a bestseller.

He shared with me that I he doesn’t think I am mean (I had made a comment that I realize I come across as harsh) and that he thinks I am just misunderstood… which is a communication issue.

He shared with me that I should probably emphasize that I am giving this advice to HELP the person.

Anyway, I am reminded of other conversations I’ve had with people and other situations where I can see that people don’t like me.  I feel it in their energy.

I question, “Does this bother me?”

It’s obviously “a problem” since I am thinking about it and questioning it….

But I really am not in the mood to fix it.

So much of my life, I feel, is about being concerned with people’s feelings.  Worrying about their emotions and taking care of people’s emotional state energetically.  Re-working how I speak just feels like too much effort.  Too much of an energy drain and I don’t feel like doing it.

It also brings to mind the question if this is just a self acceptance thing…. me accepting who and how I am….

Wondering if I even care what these or other people think of me… as I don’t like them (the ones I’m thinking of) anyway.

But this adds up to a lot of people.

I think of the people who I meet… those who are at writer’s group and the other organizations and places I’ve been… and most of these people I don’t like.  I think they are boring.  Submissive.  Blah.

I can’t really say what makes me like people but there are people who I do like.  They are ones I joke around with.  Ones who are feisty (maybe) like me.

Again, I don’t know quite what all the qualities are…. but like I said, there ARE people that I do like. And yes, many that I simply don’t care for.  Not like I don’t like them, I chose the wrong words above, it’s just like I don’t really see myself hanging out with them or really having much to talk to them about.

So with this said, I’m at a crossroads.

Do I continue on the way I am and just deal with the uncomfortable energy that I feel at times around certain writer’s group people….

Along with other people that I meet in the world that gather in groups…?

Do I gather these “enemies?”  Oh gosh, again, a harsh word but it’s not like I rub people with a soft, “don’t notice me” impression.

Do I accept myself the way I am.  Yes, I may be harsh but as the saying goes, those who matter don’t care and those who care don’t matter.

Or do I go about using my words differently, rephrasing stuff, doing more thinking and more thinking of how I am saying stuff and how it is received?

I see the irony here… the person who has a communication degree… doesn’t communicate so well?

The person who helps people with their feelings doesn’t care about other people’s feelings?

This is what brings on the guilt, it’s what makes me feel bad.

I wouldn’t say this across the board… but yet, it saddens me.  Makes me feel like something is “wrong” with me.

I do care about other people’s feelings.  I do communicate well, usually too well / over communicate…

I am sharing whatever to help people.. I just don’t feel like flowering up my words, padding them, and taking all this other energy and effort in my everyday life.

I do this for my students.  I am extra careful with what I say and how I say it.  Do I now have to do this in my personal life to get people to like me?

Again, more acting in a certain way, more molding myself to make others feel okay.

I don’t want to do it.  In these environments where I am being me and finding “my” people, making friends or whatever, I don’t want to put on my therapy / healer cap and slow it down and hand hold.  I just don’t want to do it.

… and I guess I resent having to do it all these years, when others – like those in my writer’s circle aren’t adjusting their behavior – like rolling eyes or whatever.  It’s more tailoring to them when I should be tailoring to me.

I think…

Am I okay with not being liked…. by everyone?

(You see, I rephrased it cause it’s not like everyone doesn’t like me.  It’s not like I’m not liked… it’s just a matter by EVERYONE)

It just seems to come up a lot…. ohh gosh, I’m not sure right now.  It’s like a part of me doesn’t want to be bothered, but the other one wants it (you know, to be winning over everyone I meet… for everyone to love me…) but then again, just not giving a shit, too much effort and energy and not wanting to be bothered.  Drains me of energy and this is energy I want to focus on other things, not people.  Oh man, that sounds so bad… please stop judging yourself….I don’t know.