January 7, 2013

I had a hard night last night.  I didn’t want to, but I was beating up on myself.  I know better than that.  I have all these spiritual tools to help me on my path, but yet, this was a new experience – my “going out into the real world” and I think it was a bit of a shocking experience for me.

I met my new basketball friend and one of his friends.  His friend was curious about me and had a lot of questions.  Questions I was willing to ask, but I whereas I am usually very happy on how I answer them, I feel like in this arena…. it was in appropriate.

Who says it was inappropriate to go into explaining myself?

Or spiritual conversation?

Or to unleash my depth with him?

I did.

Last night, I was my own worst enemy – and I knew it.

This morning, I pray to my Spirit Friends to help me heal.  To help me recover.  To see myself as innocent.  I haven’t been out in a social occasion – in that “harsh” type of environment – meeting people, talking to people, connecting with people, for close to 4 years.. and even when I went to a club those 4 years ago, it was just once, cause even back then I wasn’t into it.

But again, let’s just look at my growth… I guess I have changed A LOT since those 4 years have passed as well.

So here I’m getting a perspective of my changes.

A realization of how I have isolated myself from “mainstream” people.

Oh I don’t know.  It’s so understandable, yet it’s also so weird.

But there I go again, being judgmental and “starting up” with myself.

Don’t do that.

It’s like a kid who graduates from college and is thrown into a business boardroom to lead a meeting.  It would be shell shock.  The kid wouldn’t know what to do.

And that’s where I guess I was last night.

You see, that’s hard for me to acknowledge and accept and be kind to myself about that, although I am trying and that will be my main objective today, to heal my wounds here… But I’ve gotten to a certain level of life and self mastery that there’s this expectation that “I SHOULD KNOW”

It’s that perfectionism again.  High expectations.

Just unreal perspective.

Come on now.  I haven’t been interested in having long conversations, or anything like hanging out with “mainstream” people in close to 7 years!  It’s been a long freakin’ time.  I also haven’t really been around “mainstream” people other than saying HI and BYE and short dialogue cause, I work for myself, usually out of my home – so I stay nearby, and I work with SPIRITUAL people… people who are open to this work.

Cut yourself some slack.

See your innocence.

This is a learning period.

Obviously I am a spiritual person who is meant to be interacting with mainstream people…

There is all a reason for all of this…

It’s preparing me.

I get it, I get it… relax.  I get it, but it still makes me feel like such a freak.

Stop it.  You’re not the only one.  Most spiritual people leave that mainstream world and never go back.  You’re brave.  You have courage.  You have curiosity.  You have a love of life.

See these qualities.  Be kind to yourself.  Pray.  Meditate.  Breathe.  Journal.  Rest.  Heal.

You’ll be okay.  You can do this.  You’ll do better next time.

I’m grateful for these two guys…. thank you.

PS:  They didn’t think anything of it, I’m sure.  I woke up this morning and the new guy sent me a friend request on Facebook.