May 3, 2013
Last night I got busy drawing again, which I really enjoy. I was very busy with the TV on in the background as well.
But then I took Magic for a walk and guess what…. a snake!
Yep. Another snake.
Ends up this one was a fake one. Very strange, I know. We were walking around our neighborhood, I was stunned when I saw it laying there, and then these college kids came out and said their neighbor likes playing jokes on them and that the snake is fake.
Spirit told me it still counts for me.
The snake is still working / lending it’s magic for me.
And then I got home and started crying. It was really quite strange, although I appreciate it and it felt good to just release.
And this is something I noticed from another time I saw a snake — several weeks ago a snake passed my path and I came home and started crying. That’s very cool. Interesting how it has that effect over me sometimes — again, a total release.
I realize that this anxiety and sadness has been building in me because Mother’s Day is coming up — and this Mother’s Day I am not going to contact my mom to wish her a happy mother’s day.
I also decided…. interestingly enough, I was thinking about all of this while I was walking Magic BEFORE I saw the snake… but then… hmmm… interesting, how the snake caused the release of the emotions afterwards…
I’m also not contacting my brother and his wife anymore to wish them happy birthday.
Just moving on and away from everyone.
I already don’t talk to them. Last year I wished both of them a Happy Birthday which I felt dumb doing since I have absolutely NO CONTACT with them.
So this year I’m just letting it all go.
No need to pretend on the outside we’re friendly / family when really I have no relationship with them at all.
During Thanksgiving, they didn’t contact me to ask me why I wasn’t coming.
They’ve been down in FL a bunch of times and never contact me to say HI or get together.
Back when I was going through things with my ex — they never contacted me to see how I was doing when I broke up with my ex…. or filed for divorce, or nothing.
They don’t contact me at all. So there’s no need for me to contact these people.
And with my mom, no need for me to reach out there anyway. There’s no point.
This has been me overlooking their bad behavior and “taking the higher road” by wishing happy mothers/fathers day, birthdays, etc when they don’t consider my feelings.
A few months ago (I don’t remember exactly when now) when I wanted to talk to my mom about family stuff / my father stuff and her when I was growing up, she got defensive right away and it turned into a screaming match. That’s not even what my intention was. I just brought it up to ask her questions — to try to understand her point of view with things that happened.
She didn’t want to hear it.
I was really hurt.
She never contacted me to say sorry, to see how I was doing, to talk about it – nothing.
Neither did my father.
So there’s no point in me saying “Happy Mother’s Day” – sending an email that’s totally disconnected, just because….
Let her be upset during that day. I don’t care.
She doesn’t seem to care how I feel — I was thinking back over my childhood and I don’t think we’ve ever talked about our feelings… or rather whenever I would try to bring up mine, she’d tell me to hurry up, dismiss them, get over it, etc.
I am always asking people thoughtful questions — like what is it like to have this experience… or are you excited about moving… or things like that… but no one has ever asked me that stuff.
That’s something that dawned on me a month or two ago, when I got real sad after a student’s session and I was thinking how I always ask my students about their lives, I’m curious and genuinely interested, and how it made me sad that my ex never asked me those questions… not even my family members, no one except for one family friend.
And how I want that. Want a partner to be a deep thinker and for us to have these conversations about our life. Sure I had them with my ex, but it was a totally different experience – they were never thought provoking questions – and I like that and I want that – and I will have relationships like that — that are two way relationships, I ask them that stuff and they do of me.
Anyway, happy to release this stuff that no longer serves me. Moving on… better and better.