June 22, 2013

As I shared in the previous post, there’s also been another conflict going on inside of me these days – and that has to do with sharing.

Sharing my work.

Sharing my gifts and talents.

This started out with wanting to serve more people.  So I started offering specials for my services.  Started doing things for really cheap — spiritual healing sessions.  But then I would get upset, disappointed, frustrated, angry, resentful — that I was doing this work, my powerful work that I spent a really long time to develop, plus a lot of money invested in having the gifts come out and my own healing work — that I was doing it for so cheap, practically free.

So I stopped doing that but would notice my sad feelings from time to time how I wanted to work with more people, but according to them the price was keeping them from doing it. (which I later learned was not the case, they didn’t value themselves to invest in it, or they didn’t see the value, or they didn’t really want it, or want to do the work)

So then we move onto blogging — writing.

But then that annoyed me.  The conflict between wanting to write, because I love it and it feels so good to do — but then the upset about doing it for free.  Not getting paid for by people to write on my blog.

Then this moved into making my videos.

I love making videos.

But again, got annoyed, upset, frustrated, angry.  Not getting paid to make videos.

So you see the pattern here?

This all started with the MarryBlaire website and the lessons from that… which I’m grateful for, which now I’m also learning new ways of going about this stuff…. to go for the paying jobs, so I can do the things I love AND get compensated for it.

So then there’s this tv job — and the early initial (very minor) debate I had with myself about starting to put it out on YouTube — but then stopping myself with reason that that’s the way I’ve been doing it and that’s the not the way to money for me.  It hasn’t worked, so stop doing it.  I get angry.  I get resentful doing it that way.

Then there is this move to CA – and the desire to write about it too…. the urge inside of me to start writing about it.  Which by the way, today I’m really tired and have a headache cause that clenching of my jaw last night / anxiety.  I’m going to take a nap — and turn up the air conditioner.  I have no tolerance for heat these days.

So again, holding back on that….

Going through the outlets for pay — then I will offer my gift.

And I have also thought that I can start writing it on my own and sell it later, keeping it private etc… but I will put my energy into writing these pitches to magazines and go from there.

In a way it feels restricted to do it this way.

To not give it out freely.

But that has always gotten me angry and resentful.

I’m open to other ways of doing this.  But of course then what’s related is the fear that no one will sponsor me and then I won’t be able to write about my trip cross country, getting over fears, etc.

But that’s the thought that I need to get rid of.  That little part of me that does not live in total faith and surrender.

Thank you.