November 4, 2012
I woke up thinking about the next video, “I’m Not Asking You For Advice” again. Yep, again. Thinking about it.
I realize over and over again that the reason I’m fearful and doubt myself in putting up this video is because I am afraid of how others will react. I am afraid people will get offended or take it personally. Or that my spiritual teachers will not approve. So it seems to be those two issues. Both of them, mind you, are about what others will think.
Now, if I look at what I think.. I think the video is fine.
I have been seeing things a bit differently again yesterday and today how I am the first spiritual teacher (that I’ve seen) that is showing her human self.. and her shadow self to the public. I haven’t seen anyone come as vulnerable as I have.
Not putting a judgment of good or bad on that, I’m just saying it as an observation.
It’s been very clear to me today that I should not release that video until I have gotten to a place of accepting myself. So that’s my prayer today…. please help me to accept myself with this video and putting it out into the world. Please help remove the doubts and fears.
Of course I have thought about just forgetting the video and not putting it out there, but that feels like the easy way out and a cop out. It doesn’t feel right if I do that, I feel like I would be disappointed in myself and I don’t want to be…
Another observation I’ve had is that I have never been so scared / fearful of putting a piece of my work out there…. I think that’s important to share with you here as well…
And my final thought about this (for now, as you know new thoughts and insights keep coming) 🙂 is that our “great work” – our work to be shared with the world comes through us…. if we don’t share it we mess up the flow of the Universe. I’ve read something like this, heard about it… really vaguely… but I truly feel that in me with this project. I need to do it. This is the work I am to do…. it would be a screwing with things – a trying to control – if I limit the flow or not do it. And that would be wrong. Again, not supposed to put labels on things, but that resonates so deeply with me as truth.
Ohh.. and one more thing 🙂 I also have started looking at my business work as artwork now. I always have been an artist as a hobby and in my free time… but I see this video series as a piece of artwork now. I see the bigger picture of the videos I made… I see the realizations I’ve been getting and I have a deeper understanding (some of those things I’ve shared above) and other of those realizations I’ve shared in previous posts…. but now I see how I’m taking people on this emotional rollercoaster of lessons through their own psyche. It’s pretty brilliant. (I feel I can say that cause again the work came through me).
But I get it how people may be empowered by the videos….. then annoyed by them… mad at them… confused at them… and there I am in the last 6 videos teaching the lessons. 🙂 It’s making me laugh writing this out and picturing it. It truly is brilliant and truly a brilliant piece of work!
I know you haven’t seen all the videos yet, but you will and of course now you are seeing the behind the scenes workings of what helped them get out in the world and what happened once they were out there…. oohh, exciting. I’m curious myself 🙂 See, and now, from this end, for me at this very moment… the piece of work is a mystery. The conclusion (“ohh, what happens, what happens?) is a mystery. Now I’m getting suspenseful. Wow, how interesting that this piece of work is bringing up all these emotions. Truly genius if I must say so myself…. 🙂